Did you know?

In times of war, the U.S. Constitution gives the President the power to ignore the Constitution? Including wars that are not declared, as required under Article 1, Section 8, of the Constitution? Apparently, the people who published the copy of the Constitution that I've read neglected to include the portion that gives the President that power. Or maybe it's in a classified section of the Constitution, that's only available to members of the Executive Branch?

Did you know that the President does not condone or authorize torture or inhumane treatment of prisoners? I guess that means that Manadel al-Jamadi, Abed Hamed Mowhoush, and Nagem Sadoon Hatab, among nearly a hundred others, are still alive and well and being treated with basic human dignity? And I guess that means that those photos from Abu Ghraib were just Photoshop jobs? Oh, that's right, that's neither torture nor inhumane treatment - it's "enhanced interrogation techniques." After all, America doesn't torture its prisoners. Never mind that when other countries used the exact same techniques, their officials were charged - by America - with war crimes.

Did you know that the President insists on the preservation of the human rights of all American prisoners? But then again, habeas corpus isn't a human right, apparently.

How do I know all this is true? Because I've been assured so by Nancy Theis, Special Assistant to the President and Director of Presidential Correspondence.

So, from now on, when someone tries to tell me that America is engaged in an illegal war, I'll just point them at that super-secret, classified portion of the Constitution that only the President has access to, that gives him the power to engage in war without the need for a pesky Declaration of War, and without the need to obey any of those pesky rules in the public portion of the Constitution.

And when anyone tells me that America tortures and mistreats its prisoners, I'll just point out to them that it's not torture when America does it - only when other countries do it.

And when anyone tells me that America violates human rights, I'll just point out to them that little things like habeas corpus aren't really human rights after all.

After all, I have been assured this is so by the Assistant to the President. And she wouldn't lie, would she?